Don's archive

[Scott Stevens]

On Mon, 16 May 2005 10:23:58 -0700 (PDT)
"Dwight K. Elvey" <dwight.elvey at amd.com> wrote:

> >From: "jim stephens" <jwstephens at msm.umr.edu>
> >
> ---snip---
> >
> >Without any information about the specifics of Don's situation, let
> >me say that my wife and heirs know what my pile is, and who to call
> >when and if I predecease her.  If you do not or cannot take this
> >step, your pile will face uncertain or sad prospects when you go.
> >
> 
> Hi
>  I think part of the problem is that it is hard to explain
> to another family member what it is that we do. I've tried
> to explain to my sister inlaw once but soon gave up. It
> was like trying to explain things in a foriegn language that
> she didn't know. My guess is that Don may have tried to
> relate to his wife what it was he was doing but for something
> like this, there wasn't enough common ground to communicate.
>  Even for a husband and wife, there are things that never
> get fully communicated. Each eventually learns to just not
> push the issue if it doesn't need immediate action. The
> phase " Yes, Dear " comes to mind.
>  Even if he did explain it to her, she may never have
> understood what it was he was doing and how important it
> was to him. Without the common ground to discuss such things,
> it just doesn't work.
>  Putting things in a will is just about the best way to
> try to deal with such things. Not only that one wishes
> things properly handled but it is best to find a trusted
> friend that you can put their name in the will so that
> the family, through greed or ignorence, can't block your
> wishes.
> Dwight
>
You've come close to expressing some of the thoughts that I have had
about this.  Don's spouse may have had little interest at all in what he
was doing with computer things.  To her, the whole archive Don was
building up may be seen as a competitor, something that took him away
from her.  In that context, now that he's gone, it's possible she wants
nothing to do with the 'bad memories' and/or alienation she felt the
computer stuff introduced into her life.  I know my wife understands
little or nothing about the 'old computer stuff' that I have, and I know
she resents the time I spend in my 'computer room' away from her.

Part of understanding why all we can do is wait and hope this person
will come around is to try to understand and relate to her.  Don isn't
coming back, and pieces of what he left behind for his family to deal
with may bring back 'bad' memories.  Which is why we need to wait
without bothering her.