GLOSSARY OF VERY IMPORTANT COMPUTER AXIOMS I THE FIRST LAW OF THE COMPUTER: I am a computer, i am dumber a human, and smarter than than a programmer. II LLOYD'S FIRST LAW: Every program contains one bug. III EGGLESTON'S EXTENSION PRINCIPLES: Programming errors which would normally take one day to find will take five days to find if the programmer is in a hurry. IV GUMPERSON'S LEMMA: The probability of a given event happening is inversley proportional to its desirability. V WEIRSTOCK'S WELL-ORDERING PRINCIPLE: The data needed for yesterday's debug shot must be re- quested no later than noon tomorrow. VI FENSTER'S LAW OF FRUSTRATION: If you write a program with no error stops or diagnos- tics you will get random numbers for your output. (this can incidentally, be used to an advantage). However, if you write a program with 500 error stops or diagnostic messages, they all will occur. VII PROUDFOOT'S LAW OF THE GOOD BET: If someone claims that you can assume input data to be correct, ask him to promise you a dollar for every input error. VIII THE LAW OF THE SOLID GOOF: In any program, the part that is most obviously correct beyond all need of changing is the part that is totally wrong. COROLLARY A: No one you ask will see it either! COROLLARY B: Anyone who stops with unsought advise will see it immediately! IX WYLLIE'S LAW: Let N be the priority of an 8-hour batch job your assoc- iate just entered. The priority of the batch job you are now entering shall be equal to N-1. X O'KANE'S RULE: The number of cards in your deck is in inverse propor- tion too the amount of output your deck produces. XI MASHEY'S FIRST LAW: If you lie to the assembler, it will get you. XII MASHEY'S SECOND LAW: If you have debugging statements in your program, the bugs will be scared away and it will work fine, but as soon as you take away the debugging statements, the bugs will come back. XIII MURPHY'S LAW: If something can possibly go wrong, eventually it will. XIV THE LAW OF DEPENDENT INDEPENDENCE: It is foolish to assume that jiggling X will not diddle Y, however unlikely. XV PARKINSON'S LAW: The minimum time necessary to complete any project will be equal to the maximum time available to work on it. XVI THE LAW OF LOGICAL INCOMPATIBILITY: All assumptions are false. This is especially true of obvious assumptions. XVII VELONIS'S FIRST LAW: The question is always more important than the answer. XVIII VELONIS'S SECOND LAW: When everything possible has gone wrong, things will probably get worse. XIX VELONIS'S THIRD LAW: The necessity for providing an answer varies inversely with the amount of time the question can be evaded. PROPOSED 11/99&44/100% CPU INSTRUCTION SET BH branch and hang TDB transfer and drop bits DO divide and overflow SRZ subtract and reset to zero PI punch invalid SSJ select stacker and jam FSRA forms skip and run away RASC read and shred card SRSD seek record and scar disk BST backspace and stretch tape RIRG read inter-record gap UER update and erase record EM emulate 407 SPSW scramble program status word EIOC execute invalid opcode EROS erase read only storage PBC print and break chain MLR move and lose record DMPK destroy memory protect key DC divide and conquer EPI execute programmer immediate LCC load and clean core HCF halt and catch fire BBI branch on blinking indicator BPO branch on power off AI add improper ARZ add and reset to zero RSD read and scramble data RI read invalid RCR rewind card reader BCR backspace card reader RP read printer BSP backspace printer MPB move and pitch bits RNR read noise record WWLR write wrong length record RBT rewind and break tape ED eject disk RD rewind disk RDS reverse disk spin BD backspace disk RTM read tape mark DTA disconnect telecommunications adapter DSD drop and shuffle deck STR store random FSMC fold, spindle, and mutilate card BKO branch and kill operator CRN convert to roman numerals PLC punch and lace card WET write 8-track tape PCR punch card reverse WSC wind system clock FS fire supervisor BRI branch to random instruction PDR play disk record EPH erase punched holes SCC shuffle and cut cards POS purge operating system USO unwind spooled output EPSW erase psw PMT punch magnetic tape AAIE accept apology and ignore errors COMPUTATION CENTER BULLETIN For many years it has been a common misconception that computer programming is a very difficult field of endeavor. In order to dispell this atrocious rummor we have published the following list of defini- tions. It is our sincere hope that after reading this list of defini- tions you will realize that programming need not be surrounded by the mystique that it has been in the past. Be assured that we here at the computation center will not be satisfied with this small contribution but shall continue to provide accurate and interesting information on the subject of programming. THE STAFF ARGUMENT: Unpleasant encounter with your boss over your program. ARRAY: What comes out of buck roger's gun. ASSUMED DECIMAL POINT: Located two positions to the right of a program- mer's current salary in estimating his own worth. BIT: The increment by which programmers slowly go mad. BUS: As in greyhound or pdp, upon which all data commute to work. CARD READER: Woman who tells fortunes. CHAINING: A method of attaching programmer to desk to speed up output. CHECKPOINT: The location from which a programmer draws his salary. COMMENTS: See fixed word length. COMMON LANGUAGE: The first thing a programmer must forget in order to be successful. COMPILER: Program that continually finds fault with your work. See also: Wife. COMPLEX: Adjective used to describe problems to be avoided. CONCATENATION: Catholic ritual performed once/year to bless programmer. CORE STORAGE: A receptical for the center section of apples. COUNTER: A device over which martinis are served. DEBUGGING AIDS: Insecticides. (i.e. raid, black flag, etc.) DUMMY ARGUMENTS: Discussions between operators. DUMP: Slang term for computer building. (i. e. why do i spend so much time in this dump?) DUMP LIST: List of our organization's offices. ERROR: What someone else has made when he disagrees with your computer output. EXTERNAL STORAGE: Wastebasket. FIXED WORD LENGTH: Four-letter words used by programmers in a state of confusion. FLOATING CONTROL A characteristic exhibited when you must go to the restroom but can't leave the computer. FLOATING POINT: The absolute limit before floating control is lost. FLOW CHART: A graphic representation of the fastest route to the rest- room. FORMAT: What you wipe your feet on before entering the computer room. FREE: Obsolete expression. FUNCTION: What a program never does on the first run. GO TO: Often used in conjunction with biblical locations. See also: Fixed word length. HEAD CRASH: Last step before computer go to, usually executed by pro- grammer crashing his head against the nearest wall. INFINITE LOOP: See: Loop. INPUT: Food, whiskey, beer, aspirin, etc. INTERRUPT: Usually the result of a key punch. See also: Head crash. KEY PUNCH: Error solving procedure used by many programmers consisting of applying his fist to the teletype terminal. LINE PRINTER: Machine that prints lines on blank paper, also known as paper shredder. LOGICAL OPERATOR: Extinct species. LOOP: See: Infinite loop. LOOPING: Feeling experienced by drunk programmers. MACHING LANGUAGE: Grunts, groans, squeaks, shudders, etc. MACRO: The last half of an expression of surprise: "Holy macro". MASS BUS: A very large bus, sometimes a gmc motor coach. See also: Bus. MEMORY DUMP: Amnesia. OPERATOR: The person who always mutilates the output from your 8-hour batch run while removing it from the line printer. OUTPUT: See floating control. OVERFLOW: Condition resulting from exceeding floating point. PINBOL: Most widely used language. Also: Terminals usually found in pool halls. POST MORTEM DUMP: Place for dead programmers. See also: Dump. PROGRAMMER: Red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. SIGNIFICANT DIGIT: Middle finger of either hand, commonly used by pro- grammers while talking to operators. (I.e. he gave the operator two significant digits.) SIN: Not attending concatenation services. SNOBOL: What programmers throw at operators in winter. SPITBOL: What programmers shoot at their manager. TAPE: Sometimes used to chain programmers. TAPE DRIVE: Best known for its ability to have lunch in the middle of reading the only copy of a source tape. TEXT EDITOR: Employee of local newspaper. TRAPEZOIDAL RULE: Country rulled completely by trapezoids. UNDERFLOW: Symptom of impotent programmer. VARIABLE: Bisexual programmer. WATFOR: Statement frequently uttered by computer science students. WRITE STATEMENT: Opposite of wrong statement.