GLOSSARY OF TERMS CAUSING TROUBLE I THE FIRST LAW OF THE COMPUTER: I AM A COMPUTER, I AM DUMMER THAN A HUMAN, AND SMARTER THAN A PROGRAMMER. II LLOYD'S FIRST LAW: EVERY PROGRAM CONTAINS ONE BUG. III EGGLESTON'S EXTENSION PRINCIPLES: PROGRAMMING ERRORS WHICH WOULD NORMALLY TAKE ONE DAY TO FIND WILL TAKE FIVE DAYS TO FIND IF THE PROGRAMMER IS IN A HURRY. IV GUMPERSON'S LEMMA: THE PROBABILITY OF A GIVEN EVENT HAPPENING IS INVERSLEY PROPORTIONAL TO ITS DESIRABILITY. V WEIRSTACK'S WELL-ORDERING PRINCIPLE: THE DATA NEEDED FOR YESTERDAY'S DEBUG SHOT MUST BE REQUESTED NO LATER THAN NOON TOMORROW. VI FENSTER'S LAW OF FRUSTRATION: IF YOU WRITE A PROGRAM WITH NO ERROR STOPS OR DIAGNOSTICS, YOU WILL GET RANDOM NUMBERS FOR YOUR OUTPUT. (THIS CAN, INCIDENTALLY, BE USED TO AN ADVANTAGE). HOWEVER, IF YOU WRITE A PROGRAM WITH 500 ERROR STOPS OR DIAGNOSTIC MESSAGES, THEY ALL WILL OCCUR. VII PROUDFOOT'S LAW OF THE GOOD BET: IF SOMEONE CLAIMS THAT YOU CAN ASSUME THE INPUT DATA TO BE CORRECT, ASK THEM TO PROMISE YOU A DOLLAR FOR EVERY INPUT ERROR. VIII THE LAW OF THE SOLID GOOF: IN ANY PROGRAM, THE PART THAT IS MOST OBVIOUSLY CORRECT BEYOND ALL NEED OF CHANGING IS THE PART THAT IS TOTALLY WRONG. COROLLARY A: NO ONE YOU ASK WILL SEE IT EITHER! COROLLARY B: ANYONE WHO STOPS WITH UNSOUGHT ADVISE WILL SEE IT IMMEDIATELY! IX WYLLIE'S LAW: LET N BE THE NUMBER OF THE LAST CATEGORY I JOB RUN AT THE COMPUTER CENTER, THEN THE NUMBER OF YOUR JOB IS EITHER N+1 OR N+400. X O'KANE'S RULE: THE NUMBER OF CARDS IN YOUR DECK IS INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL TO THE AMOUNT OF OUTPUT YOUR DECK PRODUCES. XI MASHEY'S FIRST LAW: IF YOU LIE TO THE ASSEMBLER, IT WILL GET YOU. XII MASHEY'S SECOND LAW: IF YOU HAVE DEBUGGING STATEMENTS IN YOUR PROGRAM, THE BUGS WILL BE SCARED AWAY AND IT WILL WORK FINE, BUT AS SOON AS YOU TAKE AWAY THE DEBUGGING STATEMENTS, THE BUGS WILL COME BACK. XIII MURPHY'S LAW: IF SOMETHING CAN POSSIBLY GO WRONG, EVENTUALLY IT WILL. XIV THE LAW OF DEPENDENT INDEPENDENCE: IT IS FOOLHARDY TO ASSUME THAT JIGGLING X WILL NOT DIDDLE Y, HOWEVER UNLIKELY. XV PARKINSON'S LAW: THE MINIMUM TIME NEEDED TO COMPLETE ANY PROJECT IS EXACTLY EQUAL TO THE MAXIMUM TIME AVAILABLE TO WORK ON IT. XVI THE LAW OF LOGICAL INCOMPATIBILITY: ALL ASSUMPTIONS ARE FALSE. THIS IS ESPECIALLY TRUE OF OBVIOUS ASSUMPTIONS. XVII VELONIS'S FIRST LAW: THE QUESTION IS ALWAYS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE ANSWER. XVIII VELONIS'S SECOND LAW: WHEN EVERYTHING POSSIBLE HAS GONE WRONG, THINGS WILL PROBABLY GET WORSE. XIX VELONIS'S THIRD LAW: THE NECCESITY FOR PROVIDING AN ANSWER VARIES INVERSELY WITH THE AMOUNT OF TIME THE QUESTION CAN BE EVADED. PROPOSED OS/360/370-VS/370 INSTRUCTIONS BH BRANCH AND HANG IIB IGNORE INQUIRY AND BRANCH TDB TRANSFER AND DROP BITS DO DIVIDE AND OVERFLOW SRZ SUBTRACT AND RESET TO ZERO PI PUNCH INVALID SSJ SELECT STACKER AND JAM FSRA FORMS SKIP AND RUN AWAY RASC READ AND SHRED CARD SRSD SEEK RECORD AND SCAR DISK BST BACKSPACE AND STRETCH TAPE RIRG READ INTER-RECORD GAP UER UPDATE AND ERASE RECORD EM EMULATE 407 SPSW SCRAMBLE PROGRAM STATUS WORD EIOC EXECUTE INVALID OPCODE EROS ERASE READ ONLY STORAGE PBC PRINT AND BREAK CHAIN MLR MOVE AND LOSE RECORD DMPK DESTROY MEMORY PROTECT KEY DC DIVIDE AND CONQUER EPI EXECUTE PROGRAMMER IMMEDIATE LCC LOAD AND CLEAN CORE HCF HALT AND CATCH FIRE BBI BRANCH ON BLINKING INDICATOR BPO BRANCH ON POWER OFF AI ADD IMPROPER ARZ ADD AND RESET TO ZERO RSD READ AND SCRAMBLE DATA RI READ INVALID RCR REWIND CARD READER BCR BACKSPACE CARD READER RP READ PRINTER BSP BACKSPACE PRINTER MPB MOVE AND PITCH BITS RNR READ NOISE RECORD WWLR WRITE WRONG LENGTH RECORD RBT REWIND AND BREAK TAPE ED EJECT DISK RD REWIND DISK RDS REVERSE DISK SPIN BD BACKSPACE DISK RTM READ TAPE MARK DTA DISCONNECT TELECOMMUNICATIONS ADAPTER DFHD DISMOUNT 2305 DSD DROP AND SHUFFLE DECK STR STORE RANDOM FSMC FOLD, SPINDLE, AND MUTILATE CARD BKO BRANCH AND KILL OPERATOR CRN CONVERT TO ROMAN NUMERALS PLC PUNCH AND LACE CARD WET WRITE 8-TRACK TAPE PCR PUNCH CARD REVERSE WSC WIND SYSTEM CLOCK FS FIRE SUPERVISOR BRI BRANCH TO RANDOM INSTRUCTION PDR PLAY DISK RECORD EPH ERASE PUNCHED HOLES SCC SHUFFLE AND CUT CARDS POS PURGE OPERATING SYSTEM USO UNWIND SPOOLED OUTPUT EPSW ERASE PSW PMT PUNCH MAGNETIC TAPE AAIE ACCEPT APOLOGY AND IGNORE ERRORS PENN STATE COMPUTATION CENTER BULLETIN FOR MANY YEARS IT HAS BEEN A COMMON MISCONCEPTION THAT COMPUTER PROGRAMMING IS A VERY DIFFICULT FIELD OF ENDEAVOR. IN ORDER TO DISPELL THIS ATROCIOUS RUMMOR WE HERE AT PENN STATE HAVE PUBLISHED THE FOLLOWING LIST OF DEFINITIONS. IT IS OUR SINCERE HOPE THAT AFTER READING THIS LIST OF DEFINITIONS YOU WILL REALIZE THAT PROGRAMMING NEED NOT BE SURROUNDED BY THE MYSTIQUE THAT IT HAS BEEN IN THE PAST. BE ASSURED THAT WE HERE AT THE PENN STATE COMPUTATION CENTER WILL NOT BE SATISFIED WITH THIS SMALL CONTRIBUTION BUT WILL CONTINUE TO PROVIDE ACCURATE AND INTERESTING INFORMATION ON THE SUBJECT OF PROGRAMMING. PENN STATE COMPUTATION CENTER CMS ARGUMENT: UNPLEASANT ENCOUNTER WITH THE INSTRUCTOR AFTER MID-TERMS. ARRAY: WHAT COMES OUT OF BUCK ROGER'S GUN. ASSUMED DECIMAL POINT: LOCATED TWO POSITIONS TO THE RIGHT OF A PROGRAMMER'S CURRENT SALARY IN ESTIMATING HIS OWN WORTH. BIT: THE INCREMENT BY WHICH PROGRAMMERS SLOWLY GO MAD. BUS: AS IN GREYHOUND OR PDP, UPON WHICH ALL DATA COMMUTE TO WORK. CARD READER: WOMAN WHO TELLS FORTUNES. CHAINING: A METHOD OF ATTACHING PROGRAMMERS TO DESKS TO SPEED UP OUTPUT. CHECKPOINT: THE LOCATION FROM WHICH A PROGRAMMER DRAWS HIS SALARY. COMMENTS: SEE FIXED WORD LENGTH. COMMON LANGUAGE: THE FIRST THING A PROGRAMMER MUST FORGET IN ORDER TO BE SUCCESSFUL. COMPILER: PROGRAM THAT CONTINUALLY FINDS FAULT WITH YOUR WORK. SEE ALSO: WIFE. COMPLEX: ADJECTIVE USED TO DESCRIBE PROBLEMS TO BE AVOIDED. CONCATENATION: CATHOLIC RITUAL PERFORMED ONCE A YEAR TO BLESS PROGRAMMERS. CORE STORAGE: A RECEPTICAL FOR THE CENTER SECTION OF APPLES. COUNTER: A DEVICE OVER WHICH MARTINIS ARE SERVED. DEBUGGING AIDS: INSECTICIDES. (I.E. RAID, BLACK FLAG, ETC.) DUMMY ARGUMENTS: DISCUSSIONS BETWEEN OPERATORS. DUMP: SLANG TERM FOR COMPUTER BUILDING. (I.E. WHY DO I SPEND SO MUCH TIME IN THIS DUMP?) DUMP LIST: LIST OF PENN STATE'S BRANCH CAMPUSES. ERROR: WHAT SOMEONE ELSE HAS MADE WHEN HE DISAGREES WITH YOUR COMPUTER OUTPUT. EXTERNAL STORAGE: WASTEBASKET. FIXED WORD LENGTH: FOUR-LETTER WORDS USED BY PROGRAMMERS IN A STATE OF CONFUSION. FLOATING CONTROL: A CHARACTERISTIC EXHIBITED WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE RESTROOM BUT CAN'T LEAVE THE COMPUTER. FLOATING POINT: THE ABSOLUTE LIMIT BEFORE FLOATING CONTROL IS LOST. FLOW CHART: A GRAPHIC REPRESENTATION OF THE FASTEST ROUTE TO THE RESTROOM. FORMAT: WHAT YOU WIPE YOUR FEET ON BEFORE ENTERING THE COMPUTER BUILDING. FREE: OBSOLETE EXPRESSION. FUNCTION: WHAT A PROGRAM NEVER DOES ON THE FIRST RUN. GO TO: OFTEN USED IN CONJUNCTION WITH BIBLICAL LOCATIONS. SEE ALSO: FIXED WORD LENGTH. HEAD CRASH: LAST STEP BEFORE COMPUTER GO TO, USUALLY EXECUTED BY PROGRAMMER CRASHING HIS HEAD AGAINST THE NEAREST WALL. INFINITE LOOP: SEE: LOOP. INPUT: FOOD, WHISKEY, BEER, ASPIRIN, ETC. INTERUPT: USUALLY THE RESULT OF A KEY PUNCH. SEE ALSO: HEAD CRASH. KEY PUNCH: ERROR SOLVING PROCEDURE USED BY MANY PROGRAMMERS CONSISTING OF APPLYING HIS FIST TO THE TELETYPE TERMINAL. LINE PRINTER: MACHINE THAT PRINTS LINES ON BLANK PAPER, ALSO KNOWN AS PAPER SHREDDER. LOGICAL OPERATOR: EXTINCT SPECIES. LOOP: SEE: INFINITE LOOP. LOOPING: FEELING EXPERIENCED BY DRUNK PROGRAMMERS. MACHINE LANGUAGE: GRUNTS, GROANS, SQUEAKS, SHUDDERS, ETC. MACRO: THE LAST HALF OF AN EXPRESSION OF SURPRISE: "HOLY MACRO". MASS BUS: A VERY LARGE BUS, SOMETIMES A GMC MOTOR COACH. SEE ALSO: BUS. MEMORY DUMP: AMNESIA. OPERATOR: THE PERSON WHO ALWAYS RIPS YOUR CLASS PROJECT IN HALF WHEN REMOVING IT FROM THE LINE PRINTER. SEE ALSO: INEFFICIENT. OUTPUT: SEE FLOATING CONTROL. OVERFLOW: CONDITION RESULTING FROM EXCEEDING FLOATING POINT. PINBOL: MOST WIDELY USED LANGUAGE. TERMINALS USUALLY FOUND IN POOL HALLS. POST MORTEM DUMP: PLACE FOR DEAD PROGRAMMERS. SEE ALSO: DUMP. PROGRAMMER: RED-EYED, MUMBLING MAMMAL CAPABLE OF CONVERSING WITH INANIMATE OBJECTS. SIGNIFICANT DIGIT: MIDDLE FINGER OF EITHER HAND, COMMONLY USED BY PROGRAMMERS WHILE TALKING TO OPERATORS. (I.E. HE GAVE THE OPERATOR TWO SIGNIFICANT DIGITS.) SIN: NOT ATTENDING CONCATENATION SERVICES. SNOBOL: WHAT PROGRAMMERS THROW AT OPERATORS IN WINTER. SPITBOL: WHAT PROGRAMMERS SHOOT IN CLASS. TAPE: SOMETIMES USED TO CHAIN PROGRAMMERS. TAPE DRIVE: BEST KNOWN FOR ITS ABILITY TO HAVE LUNCH IN THE MIDDLE OF READING THE ONLY COPY OF A SOURCE TAPE. TEXT EDITOR: EMPLOYEE OF LOCAL NEWSPAPER. TRAPEZOIDAL RULE: COUNTRY RULLED COMPLETELY BY TRAPEZOIDS. UNDERFLOW: SYMPTOM OF IMPOTENT PROGRAMMER. VARIABLE: BISEXUAL PROGRAMMER. WATBOL: EXPRESSION USED BY GIRL AFTER BEING PROPOSITIONED BY PROGRAMMER. (I.E. WHAT?? BALL???) WATFOR: STATEMENT FREQUENTLY UTTERED BY COMPUTER SCIENCE STUDENTS. WRITE STATEMENT: OPPOSITE OF WRONG STATEMENT. CHRISTMAS CAROLS ENGLISH 1 MR. M. D. CHITEMAN LEVELS OF DICTION BEHREND COLLEGE PENN STATE UNIVERSITY 1. MY SOLE DESIRE FOR THE YULTIDE SEASON IS RECEIPT OF A PAIR OF CENTRAL INCISORS. 2. FROM DARK 'TIL DAWN, SOUNDLESS AND SANCTIMONIOUS. 3. CELESTIAL MESSENGERS FROM SPLENDID EMPIRES. 4. THE ANTLERED QUADRUPED WITH THE CERISE PROBOSCIS. 5. THE EVENT OCCURRED AT ONE MINUTE AFTER 11:59 P.M. WITH VISIBILITY UNLIMITED. 6. ORNAMENT THE ENCLOSURE WITH LARGE SPRIGS OF A BERRY-BEARING EVERGREEN. 7. PERSONAL HALLUCINATIONS OF AN ALABASTER DECEMBER 25. 8. ANTICIPATION OF THIS NOEL'S MEMENTOES: NIL. 9. CLAPPERED INVERTED CUPS, STERLING. 10. TESTIMONY OF WITNESS TO MATERNAL PARENT'S INFIDELITY WITH KRIS KRINGLE. 11. IN A DISTANT BOVINE DONOR. 12. UNIVERSAL ELATION. 13. O, MINIATURE NAZARENE VILLAGE. 14. THE APPROACH OF THE HOLIDAY COMMEMORATING THE BIRTH OF CHRIST IS BECOMING EVIDENT. 15. SUSANNE, THE FRIGID DRIP, DRAWS NIGH. 16. MAY JEHOVAH GRANT UNTO YOU HILARIOUS MALES, RETIREMENT. 17. THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE TRUE, COME HERE. 18. THE ORIGINAL NATAL DAY. 19. DURING THE DARK HOURS WHEN HERDSMEN ATTENDED THEIR CHARGES. 20. THE HORNED RUMINANTS DO A SLATED "HESITATION." 21. I COGITATE AS I EMIGRATE. 22. THE LILLIPUTIAN LADDY PERCUSSIONIST. 23. A TRIO OF NON-OCCIDENTAL POTENTATES IS OUR IDENTITY. 24. A METEORIC MELODY IS MANIFEST. 25. YULTIDE'S DIURNAL DOZEN. 26. PLEASE PERMIT PRISTINE PRECIPITATION. 27. "RIMEY," THE MANNIKIN OF CRYSTALLINE H2O. 28. O SACRED NOCTURNAL PERIOD! THE HEAVENS GLISTEN BRILLIANTLY. 29. OUR DESIRE IS YOUR YULTIDE CHEER. 30. DON'T LET YOUR MOUTH MAKE A MOUE. , ANSWERS TO MR. CHITEMAN'S "QUIZ" 1. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY TWO FRONT TEETH. 2. SILENT NIGHT, HOLY NIGHT. 3. ANGELS FROM THE REALMS OF GLORY. 4. RUDOLPH, THE RED-NOSED REINDEER. 5. IT CAME UPON A MIDNIGHT CLEAR. 6. DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY. 7. I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS. 8. I'M GETTING NOTHING FOR CHRISTMAS. 9. SILVER BELLS. 10. I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS. 11. AWAY IN A MANGER. 12. JOY TO THE WORLD. 13. O, LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM. 14. IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS. 15. HERE COMES SUZY SNOWFLAKE. 16. GOD REST YOU MERRY GENTLEMEN. 17. O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL. 18. THE FIRST NOEL. 19. WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED THER FLOCKS BY NIGHT. 20. UP ON THE ROOFTOP REINDEER PAUSE. 21. I WONDER AS I WANDER. 22. THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY 23. WE THREE KINGS OF ORIENT ARE. 22. THERE'S A SONG IN THE AIR. 25. THE TWELEVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS 26. LET IT SNOW! 27. FROSTY, THE SNOWMAN. 28. O HOLY NIGHT! THE STARS ARE BRIGHTLY SHINING. 29. WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS. 30. OH, YOU'D BETTER NOT POUT. (SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN.)